A remark made as a result of mediation.

So it's been over a month since my last post. I just reread it and it is almost comical how optimistic I was about that weekend, not knowing that my good friend Breanna would pass away just hours after I posted it.

She was 28, weeks shy of her 29th birthday when I was to see her at the Luther Crest reunion. She was beautiful, whip smart and had an amazing laugh. She was a gifted writer and teacher. She had an uncanny ability to put life's annoyances into perspective. She had an appetite to learn and a thirst for creative cocktails. She had a beautiful voice and loved to share it. She was a person surrounded in light. She and Chris had been married for 3 years and had a beautiful 15 month old daughter named Karley. The doctors still don't know what happened. Earlier in the day she had returned from a trip to New York with her students, and then, without cause or notice, she slipped away.

It goes without saying that something like that really makes you sit back and reflect on the fleeting nature of life and how a gal is living hers. I've been trying to not be passive. I've been trying to appreciate. I've been making trips to Minnesota I ordinarily wouldn't take. I've been burning the candle at both ends, staying up too late, waking up too early, running too many miles with no rest. I've been trying to let little things go that ordinarily would have fired me up. I have tried to pay close attention to how I treat the ones I love. I've been trying to pray more, curse less and give more hugs. I've been trying to count my blessings more and air my grievances less. I have not always been successful. I have had one of the worst work weeks in the history of my life. I have contemplated making changes to better my circumstances, yet have actually done nothing. I have hated myself for it and cursed myself for allowing negativity in. I have struggled to understand life and how in a flash it ends.

I suppose these are all part of the grieving process and I suppose I have felt these things before and I suppose I will feel them again. Isn't it interesting how we age and grow and feel we accumulate a firm grasp on life, yet no matter how much wisdom we think we have, we actually know nothing? (Full disclosure, that is not an original thought, I want to say Aristotle?). And in my plagiarism, I find truth. On that note, I will leave you with more brilliant words I could never write:

I just want my life to true
just want my heart to be true
just want my words to be true
want my soul to feel brand new

Love to you all. I am blessed to know you. Sorry about the deep thoughts, not my usual fodder, I know, but I am pretty incapable of anything else right now. If I do not know you - wow, there are people I don't know who read this? Amazing. And welcome.